Sexy Moms, Horny Losers
by avis de rapina
Summary: Fanon Nodoka sure has some weird ideas. What if she got them from the rest of her family? Meet her sister, Rumiko... A Ranma ½ x Sexy Losers Fusion.
1. Something pigtailed this way comes

**Sexy Moms, Horny Losers**

(A Ranma ½ - Sexy Losers Crossover)

by avis de rapina

**--oO0Oo--**

**Chapter 1:**

"Speech"

_Thoughts_

'Titles / Quotes in speech or thoughts'

EMPHASIS

**Sound effects**

**

* * *

****Disclaimer:** Ranma ½ and its characters are the creation and property of Rumiko Takahashi. Sexy Losers and its characters are the creation and property of the artist known as "Hard". This story is my own creation. I own no property; my house is rented.

* * *

**Summary:** A hot day. A refreshing pool. A topless Kenta. One of Rumiko Shibata's fantasies was about to come true. Then out of the sky... 

**_"Something pig-tailed this way comes..."_**

* * *

Rumiko smiled as she watched Kenta finish cleaning the pool. It was a hot day in the Akasaka suburb of Tokyo's Minato ward. A sizzling summer day with highs of 40° C (104° F) was unusual this far north of the tropics. But she was going to take this opportunity to get some sun, take a dip in the cool water of the pool and take in the sights. 

She was a sight herself. At 178 cm (5 feet, 10 inches), she weighed only 55 kg (121 lbs). But what there was of her was packed into an 89-66-92 cm (35-26-36) redheaded frame. And that package was currently wrapped in red and white string… Well to be accurate, it was a white thong not a string bikini. The bikini top had red and white stripes though.

But that was not the sight she had in mind. That sight was the sweat glittering in the sunlight on Kenta's bare, chiseled chest as he finished dumping the last 10 kg bag of crushed ice into the pool that he had spent the last hour and a half cleaning. She smiled as she rose, poured a glass of cool water, walked over and offered it to him in thanks. Her smile widened as he poured the water over his chest to cool off after taking a deep gulp. She reached for the pitcher to offer him more liquid to cool off with, when…

**Kersplash! **Water suddenly geysered over both of them. Ice-cold wa-- Well, very COLD water drenched them. Taking care of Kenta's heating problem, Rumiko's planned dip; and nipping her little fantasy in the bud. Turning around, the couple looked into the pool and saw a pig-tailed redhead floating face-down in the pool.

Reacting quickly, they jumped into the water and swam over to the apparent victim of a fall from some aircraft. They turned the victim over and dragged the redhead over to the edge and out of the pool.

While Rumiko checked the redhead's airway, Kenta hurriedly examined the neck for a carotid pulse and any sign of cervical fracture. Not finding either, Kenta proceeded to do chest compressions while Rumiko performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

By the second downstroke, Kenta was no longer in any doubt that his patient was female, and rather well-developed for her height. This was the first girl's breasts he'd gotten his hands on since Natsuki's death that spring. He'd almost forgotten what that was like. He hoped that the girl lived. He really wanted to re-experience this activity in a more intimate setting and he'd rather not develop a reputation like his classmate Shiunji Watanabe. As he lost concentration his hands spread apart and instead of pressing down, gently squeezed.

Frankly, Rumiko didn't care if the person she was doing CPR on was male or female. Whoever this was, he or she had ruined a perfect opportunity to get Kenta to herself. Her husband was out of town and it has been three days since she got any! She had longed to pour the water all over Kenta's chest and slowly lick every drop of moisture off. She unconsciously stuck her tongue out, unknowingly French kissing the comatose redhead.

* * *

Ranma was lost. The last thing he remembered was Akane knocking him into the sky with her mallet. He wasn't sure why she had done it this time. Perhaps he shouldn't have mentioned that Ucchan really filled-out the new Furinkan uniform fuku she had taken to wearing lately. He had somewhat regained his senses as he passed over what looked like Shinjuku. If it was, then this was the farthest that Akane had ever hit him, and he was still going. He was definitely falling by the time he passed the Akasaka Palace. He started to use bursts of ki to control his descent. He still had a ways to go before he could use ki to successfully duplicate Herb's flying technique, but he could change direction and slow his speed. This was good news because Akane's chi-mallet had apparently accelerated him to beyond normal terminal velocity. The bad news was that at this speed, hitting that swimming pool ahead would be like landing on wet concrete. OH, KAMI! THIS WAS GONNA HURT!!!

* * *

The next thing Ranma knew somebody was sticking their tongue down his throat. It felt good, almost as good as... No, this was BETTER than that time Shampoo gave him the 'Kiss of Marriage'! Whoever was doing this knew what they were doing. This was even better than those lessons he paid Nabiki for. He started to get into the kiss. He really liked the way whoever was kissing him was massaging his breasts. WTF? Breasts! Hello…

* * *

Rumiko sat back and looked down in concern as the perso--- the girl who had been enthusiastically returning her kiss began to cough and choke. She smoothed back red locks from eyelids fluttering open to reveal blue eyes that gazed at her in confusion.

* * *

Ranma looked around and made a quick systems inventory. Wet clothing – check. Female body – check. Half-naked pervert squeezing her breasts – check. Sufficient strength and mobility in upper extremities with which to pound said pervert – check. Nearly naked female redheaded kisser – check. Wait-a-minute! Redhead, female, Japanese, late thirties to early forties, good figure, blue-green eyes…

"Momma?" Ranma croaked-out.

**--oO0Oo--**

**A/N:** Just a short bit of spam that got caught in my mental teeth. If I do decide to pursue this, I'll have to keep it cleaner than I plan tDiMT to be.


	2. Tendo Ranko da Sumimasen

**Sexy Moms, Horny Losers**

(A Ranma ½ - Sexy Losers Crossover)

by avis de rapina

**--oO0Oo--**

**Chapter 2:**

"Speech"

_Thoughts_

'Titles / Quotes in speech or thoughts'

EMPHASIS

**Sound effects**

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Umm. Better check back later. I still haven't come up with a gimmick for these disclaimer thingies. But just in case you're seriously thinking of suing me… I don't even own the car I'm driving. It's my wife's-- my mother-in-law's. 

**

* * *

Summary:**

Ranma-chan meets Rumiko and Kenta! And it doesn't get off to a roaring start. What's an aquatransexual to do when you meet strange new people? Why, you greet them and say… 

"**_Tendo Ranko da. Sumimasen…"_**

* * *

Kenta stopped performing CPR as soon as he heard the pig-tailed redhead cough. At least he thought he was performing CPR. He stared in surprise at his hands which, instead of being placed one-over-the-other on the lower half of the girl's breastbone, were spread open side-by-side encompassing her full, firm, female attributes. His fingers twitched as his horrified gaze met her confused eyes, unwittingly squeezing her breasts and suddenly focusing her eyes on his. 

_Oh crap! Now she thinks I'm a pervert!_ He thought. _Kami, she's hot; and from what I felt, she's all natural… And she must think I'm a pervert! Crap! And I've heard so much about 'survivor-sex' too._ _This is so unfair!_ He wailed. _I save some hot girl's life and now she won't have hot 'survivor-sex' with me because she thinks I'm a pervert!_

He cringed as he heard her clear her throat. He was sure that the first thing out of her mouth would be an expletive directed at him.

"Momma?"

* * *

Rumiko was startled by the redheaded, pig-tailed girl's question. She only had one son; she would definitely have remembered being pregnant, much less giving birth a second time. There was no way this girl could be her daughter. 

_Perhaps she's just confused as a result of her accident?_ Rumiko thought. _That has to be it. The poor girl must be suffering from a concussion. It is our... my responsibility to nurse her until she recovers or until her family comes to claim her_. Oddly enough, the thought of sending the girl to a hospital or of calling out for a doctor never entered her mind.

_The first thing to do,_ she planned, _is to get her inside then dry her off. Yes, those wet clothes will definitely have to go. I wonder, should I have her wear the Catwoman or the Poison Ivy costume? It's been too long since Wonder Woman got to lasso a villainess._

She smiled as she made up her mind. _Yes, I definitely have to get the poor girl inside. My bed has to be a more comfortable place to nurse an invalid than this wet floor…_

"Don't worry, deary," she cooed. "Mommy's going to take good care of you."

* * *

Kenta was worried by that smile. The last time he saw it was just before Rumiko fucked his last girlfriend Natsuki's brains out, literally. 

_No! I won't let her seduce another hot chick… Not before I do! I must do something fast. Once she gets her claws on her, she'll end up just like Natsuki. I must save the hot redhead… THEN we can have survivor-sex!_

Searching for any way to stop his perve-- to ensure the girl's recovery, his eyes finally took in her face. She looked somewhat familiar…

"Mom? Doesn't she kinda look like you and Aunt Nodoka did in those pictures from when you were teenagers?

* * *

"…you and Aunt Nodoka did in those pictures from when you were teenagers?" 

Ranma-chan reeled when she heard the pervert say that.

_'Mom'… 'Aunt Nodoka'… Crap! Does Momma have a sister? Did Momma's sister just kiss me? Did she just kiss me and stick her tongue in my mouth… and did I just like it? Crap! Is that pervert my cousin?_

Ranma was in a quandary. He had always led a lonely life; what few friends he made were quickly left behind as he and Genma made their way through the training trip. What with only his father for a constant companion and the open road for an address, he had always envied his peers who had stable homes and a loving family environment. The Tendo-ke had been his first real home in years, and the Tendos the closest thing to a family that he could remember.

Discovering that his mother not only still lived but was searching for him had kindled a spark of hope that maybe, just maybe he too could enjoy some little bit of normalcy in his life. Of course, that spark had been smothered by the revelation of the seppuku contract. It had been extinguished when his mother explained why she always carried a katana. Discovering new relatives - who were far more perverted than Akane had ever accused him of being - buried that smothered, extinguished spark under a metric ton of asbestos.

_Kami, don't I have any NORMAL_ _people in my family?_

* * *

Rumiko placed her plans for a Bat Girl - Poison Ivy cosplay scene on pause. She examined the girl before her. 

_Could it be? She DOES look a little like No-chan did when she was fifteen. A little bigger in the bust than she did then; bigger even than I did then. But she's shorter than either of us was at fifteen, and she looks closer to sixteen._

___She couldn't be Nodoka's daughter. I may not have spoken with her in eleven years, not since she let that no-good husband of hers take little Ranma on that 'trip', but there's no way she could have a daughter that looks this old in that time. Unless… Could it be that Genma left Nodoka because she was having an affair? There was that year we lived in __Canada__ when Ranma was three years old. Genma had taken him on his first training trip then. Nodoka never really explained why she couldn't come over to spend Golden Week with us._

"Who are you, dear? Do you by chance know a Nodoka Saotome? Are you related to her somehow? She might be using her maiden name, Shibata. She's my sister. My name is Rumiko Shibata and this is my son Kentaro."

_

* * *

Oh crap! They ARE my relatives. The kami must really hate me. _

"Ah, my name is Ran-- ko! I am Ranko Tendo. Sorry about this. I'm not related to any Nodoka Saotome."

Ranma-chan quickly got to her feet. She brushed-off their insistence that she stay and rest until she fully recovered. After quickly getting her bearings, she leapt to the top of the property wall, the roof of the neighboring house, then out of sight.

* * *

Rumiko and Kenta blink-blinked in wonder at the redhea-- at Ranko's awesome display of strength, of grace, of youthful vigor… of her fantastic ass. Wet silk clearly revealed that either she had forgotten to wear underclothing that morning, or that she preferred thongs. 

Concerns about her possible parentage were erased by one thought shared by mother and son: _She WILL be mine!_

**--oO0Oo--**

**A/N:** Well, it looks like I'm going to continue this for a bit. I need a break from those long chapters in tDiMT, and drabbles like these are easier. This takes place before vol 37 of the manga which is when Nodoka learns of Ranko's identity. A cookie goes to the first SL fan to spot the (deliberate) mistake above re the Shibata family.

Slight edit for grammar and suspense.

**--oO0Oo--**


	3. Mommy! Mommy changes everything!

**Sexy Moms, Horny Losers**

(A Ranma ½ - Sexy Losers Crossover)

by avis de rapina

**--oO0Oo--**

**Chapter 3:**

"Speech"

_Thoughts_

'Titles / Quotes in speech or thoughts'

EMPHASIS

**Sound effects**

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Don't bother trying to suck me dry for writing this. I've already taken out a mortgage with the Blood Bank and they've got first dibs.

**

* * *

Summary:** Summer vacation's started, and Ranma can't wait to cool off. Too bad he has to stay a she to beat the heat. But then, Nodoka has been by more often looking for him. She won't be the only one. The trouble coming his way is enough to make anyone run for their mommies. After all…

"**_Mommy!_** **_Mommy changes everything!"_**

* * *

Ranma sighed with relief as he poured a glass of ice-water over his head. He didn't mind the resulting shift to his cursed form. With this heat he would willingly remain in girl form just as long as he could enjoy a cold shower or failing that pour a cold drink over his face. 

Ranma's father did not have this option. Pouring any cold liquid over himself to escape the heat would only lead to heat stroke as his body mass more than doubled and was covered in a thick insulating coat of fur. At least Mousse, Ryoga and Shampoo lost body mass and lost heat quicker in their cursed forms. But Ryoga especially had a problem with summer barbecues.

Sometimes Ranma counted himself lucky for getting the curse he did.

"Hello! Is anyone home?" Nodoka Saotome's voice came from the door.

And sometimes he didn't. This was going to be one of those times.

**Splash!** The koi went airborne as Genma cannonballed into the pond.

"Oh hello, Ranko. Is anyone else in the house?"

"Good afternoon, Auntie," Ranma-chan answered wistfully. Once again she must maintain her secret from someone who would otherwise love her unconditionally. "They're all out. Uncle Soun's at a ward council meeting. Kasumi-neechan went to the market And Nabiki took Akane shopping for new bathing suits. They plan to catch a movie afterwards."

"And is Ranma or my husband here?" Nodoka asked hopefully.

"No," the regret was more noticeable this time. "Uncle Genma took Ranma on another training trip for the summer break. Nobody knows where they went or when they'll return." Ranma-chan lowered her eyes, reluctant to face her mother with yet another lie.

Nodoka caught the tone of regret in Ranma-chan's voice. She also took note of her posture and came to some tentative conclusions. She probed carefully to confirm her hypothesis.

"And why didn't you go out yourself, Ranko-chan?"

Ranma-chan couldn't tell Nodoka that she – then a he – had wanted to accompany the sisters on their shopping trip. Akane had put her foot down and declared that there was no way that any BOY would join them in their search for the perfect swimsuit. He had pointed out that any swimsuit he bought would of necessity have to be purchased as a GIRL. He had also mentioned that he really needed a new swimsuit. Perhaps he shouldn't have explained that the letters B and Y printed on his favorite "BOY" one-piece were becoming harder to read and that the suit itself was getting somewhat harder to breathe in. He definitely shouldn't have offered to give it to her in case she couldn't find one that suited her. He really didn't expect Akane to cry out 'Pervert!' slap him and storm-off just for that. How was he to know Akane hated being offered hand-me-downs?

"Aka-- I just didn't feel like going, Auntie," she answered.

"I see." Nodoka sat beside the young girl and gently took her hands. "You and Akane-chan have been fighting, haven't you, Ranko-chan?" she gently inquired.

Ranma-chan quickly looked up with guilt-stricken eyes. She couldn't understand how Kasumi, Nabiki and now her own mother see through her so easily.

Nodoka nodded to herself in confirmation as she took note of a faint palm-shaped bruise on Ranko's left cheek. She guessed that Ranko was wondering how she so easily saw through her denial. "Were you two fighting about Ranma again, dear?"

She took Ranko's stammering and big-sweating as confirmation.

"I'm neither blind nor deaf, Ranko-chan," she chuckled. "I've seen and heard how you and Akane interact whenever I visit. Don't think I've failed to notice how quickly you defend my son whenever Akane or anybody else mentions anything that puts him in a poor light."

Ranma-chan was tongue-tied. How could she explain to her mother that she HAD to defend herself… himself… (whatever!)... against all of those inaccurate statements and false accusations. Especially when she couldn't even reveal himself to her! She went deep into thought to try and answer this.

"...so sweet that you always come to my son's defense. He's so lucky to have found a friend like you. It's too bad that you and Akane-chan don't seem to agree on…" Nodoka continued.

_It's not like I don't want to tell her,_ Ranma-chan thought to herself. _It's just that I CAN'T tell her. Pops may be an idiot, but even he doesn't deserve having his head chopped-off because of the curses…_

"…know Genma and Soun made that pledge before we were married. But still it's a pity that they promised to join the Schools instead of the clans…" Nodoka went on.

… _what's worse is how I've been lying to Momma all this time! What kinda 'man among men' lies to his own mother?_

"…really makes no difference as you are a martial artist as well as a daughter of the Tendo clan…"

…_gotta be a way to cure this curse and reveal myself to Momma without having her kill me for lyin' to her…_

'…finish training, you can then qualify under the terms of the pledge…"

…_I only hope that she won't be disappointed in me for hidin' from her…_

"…and if you and Akane-chan can settle your arguments, you can each try to be my son's fiancée. Or better yet…"

"It does not matter," Ranma-chan started to whisper softly. "I would disappoint myself if I did not try and tell her the truth..."

"…know that you and Akane-chan think of each other as more than just cousins. I've seen the looks you give each other when no one else…"

"…no matter the result, it would be the RIGHT thing to do…"

"…don't want to just be a mistress, why not share and be a co-wife? I'm sure we could hold the ceremonies in some country that…"

"…the right thing to do IS the 'manly' thing to do. And if I have to die to do the right thing…" Ranma-chan's voice started to rise.

"So what do you say, Ranko-chan? Would you like to try for my son's hand?" Nodoka finished, finally paying attention to Ranma-chan.

"…I WILL!" Ranma-chan loudly declared with a determined gleam.

**Thud!** The sound of Genma-panda collapsing in a massive facefault drew Nodoka's attention from her manly son's new iinazuke as well as drew said iinazuke's attention back to reality.

"Tadaima!" Kasumi called out as she entered the hallway. "Oh my!" she exclaimed as she reached the engawa. "What happened here?"

**--oO0Oo--**

Kasumi was giggling as she greeted Nabiki and Akane on their return.

"What's so funny, Kasumi?" Akane inquired.

"Oh my, Akane. It would appear that you have some new competition for Ranma-kun."

"What! I'll kill that pervert!"

"What did Genma do now, sis?" Nabiki sighed.

"Oh it wasn't Uncle Saotome, Nabiki. It was Auntie Nodoka and Ranma himself."

"I knew it! Oooh, I am so going to kill that pervert!"

"Who is she, Kasumi? Do we know anything about her?"

"I should think so, Nabiki. After all she IS our cousin…"

"…"

"Wh-- What do you mean, Kasumi?"

"I mean, Akane, that Ranma-kun's latest fiancée is none other than our 'cousin' Ranko Tendo herself."

"…"

"BWAHAHAHA! That's a good one, Kasumi! You really had me going there for a minute."

"That's not a nice thing to do, Kasumi. You shouldn't make jokes like that!"

"Oh it wasn't a joke, Akane."

"…" **(sweatdrop)**

"Auntie Nodoka arrived over an hour ago. She asked 'Ranko' if she wanted to take your place as the Tendo fiancée or be your co-wife when you marry Ranma-kun. 'Ranko' agreed."

**Thud!**

"Akane?"

"Kami," Nabiki whispered. "Either he's a genius or he really IS a pervert!"

**--oO0Oo--**

In the furoba, Genma was berating his only offspring. He wasn't doing a very good job of it.

_**Jussst** **wat did yu tink yoo wer do in, boy?**_

After his collapse, Nodoka – thinking that Mr. Panda was suffering from heat prostration – had insisted that he be brought to the furo to cool off. She was due back any minute; so Genma was forced to remain in panda form, hence the signs.

_**oH** **y waz I curst 2 hab such a warthlezz sun /?**_

Nodoka was not much of a zoologist. All she knew was that pandas were some kind of bear.

**_Haw cooed yew dew dis 2 yore p00r phader?_**

She wasn't sure what kind of bear exactly, but she knew what to do for someone who had overheated.

**_Da list yew kud du is gib mi sum hat wasser._**

She figured a little more of the same wouldn't hurt. They lived on the stuff after all.

**_Hut washer!_** Genma signed from the furo now overflowing in ice.

Nodoka obviously didn't know the difference between pandas and polar bears.

**_/-/37p /\/\3, 801. 1'/\/\ phr345i/\/6!!1!_**

Ranma was of no help. Not only did his mind shutdown after he'd mentally replayed Nodoka's monologue and his reply; shivering had also made Genma-panda's scribbles nigh incomprehensible.

**_801?_**

Yes, Ranma was leet-illiterate.

**--oO0Oo--**

Over in the living room, Akane was trying to 'reason' with her possibly-ex-fiancé's mother. She was having questionable success.

"Really, Akane-chan. You can't expect me to not look out for my own son's interests." Nodoka stated primly.

"B-- But, Auntie! You can't do this, I'm Ranma's fiancée!"

"And you have already passed your engagement to your sister once before. Why not to your cousin?"

"Why should I pass the engagement to Ranko?"

"Ranko is always defending Ranma whenever SOMEBODY bad-mouths him. It's quite obvious to me that she harbors some feelings for Ranma. You on the other hand have always seemed confused about your role as my son's future wife."

"Co-- Confused, Auntie? What do you mean?"

"I mean, Akane, that while you claim to be Ranma's fiancée, you have also declared that you do not wish to marry him. And when I arrived this afternoon I found evidence that your disagreement with your cousin who DOES wish to marry my son has now taken a turn for the physical." Nodoka frowned at Akane in rebuke.

"..." Akane bowed her head. _I didn't mean to slap Ranma. I had no right to get angry at him over the swimsuit; I had lent it to him in the first place. I only got angry because I thought he was teasing me for having a smaller chest than him… than her. Why? Why is it so hard for me to control myself when I'm around that… that…_ She started to shake.

Taking Akane's trembling to be a sign of remorse, Nodoka decided to show some pity. "I will not make a final decision at this time, Akane-chan. I shall leave that up to my son. I only hope that you can make up your own mind about what sort of relationship, if any, you wish to have with my son."

Akane looked up with relief. While she was not completely comfortable with marrying Ranma this soon; in her heart of hearts neither did she really object. _We have been through so much together. And sometimes he can really be so sweet. Like when we were coming home from Ryugenzawa… _

"Th-- Thank you, Aun…"

"Of course," Nodoka mused, "the best possibility would be for BOTH you and your cousin to share my son…" Her gaze returned to Akane's, she smiled at the shock she saw.

"Oh don't be so uptight, Akane-chan. I've seen the glances you and Ranko-chan cast each other when the other's not looking. I must admit that it's not unusual to see cousins expressing an incestuous interest, but to discover bisexuality and incest at such an early age!" She frowned.

"That IS the case is it not, Akane? I would be disappointed if the reason you disagree so much with Ranma and Ranko is because she's become bisexual and you wish to remain a lesbian."

"…"

Akane was thrown off-balance by Nodoka's question. She ignored the proposed polygamy and zeroed in on the issue of her sexual orientation. "I'm not a lesbian!"

"That's wonderful!" Nodoka cheered. "It's great that you've moved on in your relationship with your cousin and my son. To tell the truth all those stories of how you used to run to school every morning shouting 'I hate boys!' over and over disturbed me. I'm glad Ranma will have two bisexual wives. As manly as he undoubtedly is, like any other man, he will require time to prepare to re-climb to the clouds and rain for the second, third or seventh time. At least you and Ranko-chan can keep each other entertained while Ranma recuperates…"

Akane tuned out Nodoka's rant as she tried to figure out how an attempt to rescue the Tendo-Saotome pledge turned into first a discussion of her being a lesbian then into having a bisexual incestuous relationship with her cousin… who didn't really exist!

_Kami, is this what happened to Ranma earlier? Is this what happens to Ranma all the time? Now I can see how all those things can happen to him._

_I lo-- lo-- like Ranma. I like him lots! I don't know why our fathers keep insisting that we get married so quickly. There are so many things we'll have to do, to plan, to talk about, to think over before we can ever go that far._

_…I can't even admit that I might love that baka. Kami, does he even love me? …Does he even l-- like me? Would he want he want to spend the rest of his life with me? _

_Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? ...with HER? … … … _

_Could I really have sex with him as a her? _

_Auntie seems to think I'm capable of it… She might not even let me stay with him unless I am… And she doesn't even know they're the same person!_

_And he is… isn't he? Boy or girl… it's still Ranma. _

_Can I really do this?_

_

* * *

_Just outside the living room Nabiki listened and pondered. The longer she mulled it over the more Nabiki was convinced that Ranma had been deliberately playing the fool until he could resolve his fiancée problems. And what better way to resolve them than to have his mother persuade all his fiancées into agreeing to a group marriage? 

Nabiki was wondering if she could have been played. She had always thought that Ranma was an idiot. Handsome and well-built – true, but an idiot nonetheless. Of course, his curse was a bit off-putting, but she could easily see the man hiding in a woman's eyes.

Not that she would have necessarily turned down a little 'fun' with Ranma's girl form. After all once she had perused the prominent protuberance on her purported playto-- fiancé's pectoral region at their first meeting, she became immediately intrigued enough to investigate its identity. In fact she had been so intrigued that once she had the chance she copped her chest to compare the consistency of the contralateral C-cup.

Not that she was a lesbian! No. Nabiki had a definite interest in Ranma's male form. Ranma was such a deep sleeper that it was easy to pose him for photographs in either form. Over half the photos she kept in her secret, private stash did not require any cold water to prepare for.

What pictures she did sell from that collection were easily her most profitable. She would have sold them to the Kunos, but there was the danger of Ranma finding out about them. Thankfully she didn't have to. Some gaijin girl named Michelle, who came over from Niiza-ku in the neighboring Saitama Prefecture twice a month, paid top price for centerfold-quality pictures of Ranma-kun. She said that they were 'Very fappable'. Her brother Mike said the same thing about his copies of Ranma-chan's pictures. Nabiki wasn't exactly sure what that meant; it must be slang for 'excellent'. She really should ask Ms. Hinako what it meant when school resumed.

But as attractive as Ranma was in either form, that was insufficient to hold Nabiki's affection… attention… whatever! Her mind was Nabiki's largest erogenous zone, and eye-candy remained just that. Nabiki was saving her first romp in the futon with someone who could stimulate her mind and not just her body.

After his first week with them Ranma's name had quickly been removed from her shortlist of possible bedmates. And she was glad to have done so. Ranma-kun's difficulty in dealing with Tatewaki Kuno's infatuation with Ranma-chan spoke poorly of his mental abilities. She herself admittedly had a hand in fueling Kuno's delusions, but come on! How hard could it be to make the 'True Blunder' do what you wanted? She had been doing just that since Middle School.

There had been times when Nabiki had wondered at the spotty glimpses of Ranma's intelligence. 'Pretending' to use magic to change into a girl when he dueled Mousse while he was locked with the 'Cat's tongue' first seemed like a brilliant ploy… Until it became obvious that he had neglected to take his shortened limbs into account. Not to mention the lechery of his schoolmates.

She was also concerned when she overheard him plotting to get even with her for what he went through as her 'fiancé'. But when she learned that this 'great revenge' consisted of confessing his love for her in public, she had found it pathetic and gratefully passed the engagement back to Akane at a sizable discount.

She may have been lucky at that. Had she remained his fiancée what would have been her fate? Regularly fighting-off Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi. Constantly running interference with Tate-baka and Ryoga. Dealing with the embarrassing situations Akane got into. Getting kidnapped by Taro, Lime, Kirin and Toma. Running the gauntlet in the ' Cave of Lost Loves '. Pretending to be Ryu's fiancée. Being possessed by a doll, by a dougi…

_Kami, that revenge would have been PERFECT!_

_Ranma IS a genius! He saw how all the girls tried to keep on Auntie's good side and manipulated things so that they wouldn't refuse her anything. Then he convinces Auntie that 'Ranko' is in love with both Akane and Ranma, and gets Auntie to switch the engagement over to 'her.' _

_Baby-sister will either have to put up or drop out. She'll either have to admit she loves Ranma and acknowledge that she'll have to have sex with both his forms, or pass him off to his girl form. Since I had Daddy put Ranko in the clan registry he can even legally marry herself. That will even take care of any other engagements Genma has left over. _

_A quickie divorce later and he can go with either Ukyo or Shampoo… or both! Both of them are getting desperate enough to agree to anything. Besides, I honestly don't think that Shampoo would reject the idea. And Ukyo's been living as a male for long enough to… _

But Daddy will never go for it. If Akane balks, he'll insist that either nee-san or I step forward. Hmmm…

_He IS a hunk… AND a babe! _

_And he's got skills too! Those massages he pays for those kissing lessons with! Mmmm, heavenly. Waitaminute…_

_Those kisses! _Nabiki mentally hit herself on the head. _Mister 'don't see what the big deal is' my foot! I barely showed him how to kiss without holding his breath. Where did he learn to French kiss and nibble like he did last week?! _

_He DID play me!_ **(Glurkle) **_Kami, that makes me so hot!_

Perhaps we should excuse Nabiki. She had just entered her senior year and had nothing to look forward to but juku to fill her lonely nights. The idea that the resident hunk/babe was not only a player but an unacknowledged strategic genius just jingled the right keys to unlock her lonely heart. There were few things more powerful than teenage hormones about to run wild.

* * *

"…can really say that our families' pledge is open to any Tendo daughter who would want to marry my son. As Ranko-chan has already declared her willingness to not only marry Ranma, but also to accept other co-wives the question you should answer is: Are you willing to share my son with each other?" 

Akane sat up straight, took a deep breath and declared, "I a..."

"I am!"

Nodoka and Akane turned towards the door. They beheld Nabiki standing between the shogi, her chest was heaving and her eyes gleamed.

"Well done, Akane-chan, Nabiki-chan!" _Oh, I'll soon have sooo many grandbabies!_

**--oO0Oo--**

**A/N:** This chapter is longer than I'd planned on and the SL characters are barely mentioned. I just felt that after introducing the Shibatas, I should show why fanon Nodoka made me think of doing this crossover in the first place.

I also felt sorry for Akane's portrayal in some of the fics I've been reading and wanted to put her in one of Ranma's situations for a change. Let's see how she likes THAT!

The kissing mentioned in Nabiki's scene is inspired by the first chapter of Hawk's 'Sex Ed with Sensei Tendo Nabiki' but does not follow from that story.

This story is previewed on Hawk's forum - TFF. My thanks go again to everyone there and here on FFN who commented and reviewed.

**--oO0Oo-- **


	4. What's love got to do with it?

**Sexy Moms, Horny Losers**

(A Ranma ½ - Sexy Losers Crossover)

by avis de rapina

**--oO0Oo--**

**Chapter 4:**

"Speech"

_Thoughts_

'Titles / Quotes in speech or thoughts'

EMPHASIS

**Sound effects**

**

* * *

Disclaimer:** My bank gave me a watch for Christmas. Instead of a Timex they gave me a 'Time'sUp'. It counts down the time until my next payment's due. 

**

* * *

Summary:**

Ranma's now got three Tendo fiancées: Akane, Nabiki and their cousin 'Ranko'. Ranko was an accident. But he's going to have trouble convincing Nodoka of that, she believes that he and 'Ranko' are already having sex. Nabiki is new, but she seems to be actually looking forward to the sex. Akane has just about convinced herself to have sex… and might be ready to admit she loves him. 

"**_What's love got to do with it?"_**

* * *

Ryoga ran away from the Tendo Dojo. The scene he had just witnessed replayed in his mind – _Akane and Nabiki are BISEXUALS? They want to have sex with Ranma in BOTH his male and female forms? And both of them are willing to marry Ranma? Together?!!! There's no way I can train to beat him at THAT!!_

He kept running. Tears filled his eyes and half-blinded him; he didn't care, this was one time he wished he could get as lost as possible. _Nabiki doesn't surprise me. But Akane? …Oh how cruelly have you shattered my heart of glass!_

He found himself in a clearing. A green aura started to surround him. _And Akari! Oh I am fortune's fool! Why did I leave you for Akane… only to learn that Ranma has finally and undeniably beaten me!_

He honestly couldn't understand why he had left her. Akari was beautiful, kind, caring and well-to-do. She knew about his curses yet was willing to marry him. She was willing to risk acquiring the 'curse of the traveling Hibikis' without a second thought. And his Jusenkyo curse fazed her not in the least. In fact she was delighted with it. Perhaps… a little too delighted. Her saucy innuendoes and all the 'cuddle time' she'd initiated helped to cure him of his tendency to nosebleed. He just couldn't understand why she always did this in close proximity to cold water. The suspicion that there might be some reason Katsunishiki acted so jealously at those times finally tainted the relationship for Ryoga.

And now his first and only remaining chance at love had freely given herself to another. The green aura rose into the sky.

"Shishi Hokodan!"

* * *

A girl with short brown hair ran up to the crater that had suddenly formed at the parking lot of Minato-ku's Aoyama Cemetery. Although what had sounded like an explosion preceded the crater's formation, that falling cloud of green mist didn't look like it was made by an explosion. Besides, she thought she'd seen a boy standing right where the mist had landed. 

She stopped herself just in time when she noticed a slightly bigger cloud rise and fall into the crater. She heard a voice cry out something just before the cloud fell and widened the crater.

Edging close, she saw a well-built boy in his late teens standing in the middle of the crater. His clothes were charred and his skin was smudged. But from what she could tell of his features he looked rather cute.

Seeing a green mist start to form around him, she decided to do something.

* * *

Ryoga was depressed. He had failed to kill himself with his first two Shishi hokodans. Actually that was good. The depression over those failures was just enough for him to form the "Perfect Shishi Ho…" 

"Hey there!"

"…"

"Hey you, the cute boy! Look over here!"

Ryoga turned and looked up. He saw an attractive brunette in her late teens or early twenties dressed in a well-filled red halter top and tight denim cut-off shorts. She was standing at the edge of the crater and waving at him. He shyly waved back.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?"

Ryoga was dumbfounded at the girl's question. But an unaccustomed honesty made him answer. "Um… Yes?"

"Why'd a cute-looking hunk like you want to do a thing like that?"

Ryoga started to feel a glimmer of hope. This girl thought that he was a 'cute-looking hunk' and she was a certifiable babe herself! Perhaps he could forget Akane, Akari, Ranma… and make a new start! He decided to try to gain the babe's pity.

"Because I have nothing to live for! I turned away a woman who loves me to pursue the girl I loved… Only to lose her to my so-called friend!"

"Oh…" The girl looked him over and nodded to herself.

"Would it be alright if I had sex with you?" she asked.

Ryoga was ecstatic. All thoughts of killing himself over Akane's choice were banished. A perfect stranger… A HOT perfect stranger just walked up and asked to have sex with him!

"Y-- You're willing to have sex with me to prevent me from killing myself?" He wanted to make sure that he wasn't dreaming.

"Of course not!" Tomoe Toyosaka exclaimed in surprise. "I want to have sex with you AFTER you kill yourself"

"…"

"You see, I'm in love with this guy, but he only wants to have sex with dead girls. I figure once he sees me doing you at the mortuary, he'll finally get jealous enough to give me the time of day."

"…"

"Well? I always wanted to try it with a dead guy myself and you're not too burned up." _This will show that Shiunji!_

"Shishi hokodan!"

"Is that a 'yes' then?"

**--oO0Oo--**

Back in the Tendo Dojo, Ranma-chan was heading for a confrontation with 'her' mother.

His earlier resolve had reasserted itself. Revealing the curses and the secret of his identity still was the right thing to do. He also had to put a stop to this business of being engaged to his girl form… especially before Akane found out.

"…Nabiki-chan!" came his mother's voice from the dining room.

_Crap! Nabiki's here! If I don't get this stopped now she's definitely gonna put the squeeze on me for her not to tell Akane about this. Momma's only gonna chop-off my head… Akane's REALLY gonna kill me! I may be killin' myself, but I won't die a pauper!_

Not stopping to consider that if Nabiki had arrived then Akane most likely had also, Ranma-chan slid open the shoji and called out, "Momma, there's something I have to tell y…"

Only to cut off and sweatdrop profusely as she noticed a glowing Akane seated opposite Nodoka. _Crap! I'm gonna die a virgin!_

Nodoka turned towards the second-to-the-latest fiancée of her manly son. "'Momma…' Oh, how happy hearing that makes me! Thank you, Ranko-cha… Thank you, 'daughter'. How I can't wait to call all three of you daughters!"

"Th-- Three?" Ranma-chan asked. She paled as she noticed Nabiki smirking at the other door. A feeling of impending doom crept up her spine.

"Yes, Ranko-chan, three. Not only did your lover Akane-chan agree to be co-wife in your marriage to my MANLY son, your cousin Nabiki-chan also agreed to join you and her sister!"

Ranma-chan was too startled to facefault. Her jaw had dropped half-way open and the rest of her muscles had completely frozen. All she could do was repeatedly blink-blink as she tried to figure out just which kami her father had PO'd. And look, here comes Akane! Doom was no longer impending, it had arrived.

* * *

Akane was just about to shout at Nabiki for trying to steal HER fiancé… fiancée… her Ranma, when said person's arrival stopped her in time. _Kami, I almost blew it! Auntie Nodoka WANTS us to share Ranma. Why would NABIKI want to marry Ranma? Does she know something I don't? What are those 'lessons' Ranma keeps going to her room for? Second term doesn't start until September!_

Thoughts of what kind of lessons her pervert fiancé could be learning from or teaching to her mercenary sister flitted through Akane's imagination.

"…agreed to join you and her sister!" Nodoka's words called Akane back to reality.

She surreptitiously wiped her bloody nose as she stood up. She then aimed a smoky gaze at an immobile Ranma-chan as she slowly walked over to her target.

She stood before her. Ranma-chan's eyes finally focused on her and widened. Akane shot a glance in Nabiki's direction, then turned back to Ranma-chan.

_Oh well. Auntie No-- Momma Nodoka's already expecting it anyway._

"Wo ai ni. Wo da, Airen," she said in her best Shampoo impersonation.

Then she gave the shorter girl a Japanese Amazon 'Kiss of Marriage'. (The difference was that Ranma-chan's half-open mouth easily allowed Akane to poke at her tonsils.)

Akane let go as Ranma-chan collapsed in a faint. She then looked over at Nabiki and gave a triumphant smile.

Only to have it falter as Nabiki returned a smile that was filled with another emotion – desire.

She herself assumed a deer-in-the-headlights expression as Nabiki's arms enfolded her and her mouth captured hers in a kiss.

_Oh well. Momma Nodoka already thinks I'm committing incest with cousin 'Ranko'…_ Akane thought, just before returning Nabiki's kiss. '_In for a penny… In for a pound' as Miss Hinako says._

_Aha!_ Nabiki thought. _So this is where Saotome learned to French kiss! Not bad, her suction could use a little work though._

Thus began the first All-Tendo Marital Arts Osculatory Championship.

"Oh my, Akane! What do you think you're doing?!"

Kasumi stepped over to a just-recovered Ranma-chan. "That's not the way you're supposed to kiss. Watch and you'll see how it's supposed to be done!" _There's NO way I'm going to lose my title!_

Nodoka just broke-out her victory fans and did her grandbabies dance.

**Thud!** In the engawa a half-frozen panda fell to the floor.

**--oO0Oo--**

Kasumi was smiling to herself as she cleaned-up after Nodoka left to dance around the ward. She had fun playing her little joke on Ranma and her sisters. She was fond of Ranma, just not in that way… yet.

She was content with her life and thought that she was getting enough practice for when she started a family of her own. She was getting tired of waiting though. She was becoming concerned that Tofu wouldn't ever stop acting silly enough to pop the question.

At first it had been their gag to get the clinic to empty-out whenever she wanted to come over for 'lessons'. Nothing risqué at first. A private meal, snogging, sensual massages… She had hoped that they were getting somewhere when he started lending her his illustrated editions of the 'Kama Sutra' last year.

Then all of a sudden, he started to keep acting silly even when the two of them were alone. For the past five months Tofu kept giving her 'Curious George' whenever she asked for the 'Kama Sutra'. She didn't understand it. Perhaps she shouldn't have told him about her new penpal Miho's problems finding a lover who shared her family's interest in coprophilia.

It wasn't like she was interested in doing that herself. Although she did keep a jar of her dried poo under the sink for when Miho finally comes over for a visit. She just couldn't understand why Akane kept moving it whenever she tried to cook.

"Tadaima!"

"Okaeri nasai, otou-san!" She greeted Soun. "Oh, we have… guests?"

* * *

Soun returned home from the ward council meeting. Just as he was about to enter the gate he heard someone call out." 

"Excuse me, sir. Is this the residence of Ranko Tendo?"

He turned and saw a young man in his late teens or early twenties. He looked fit but was obviously not into martial arts. _Hmm, I doubt that this young man is here to challenge Ranma. He does look like he might be a good match for Nabiki or maybe Kasumi…_

His notice passed to a conservatively-dressed woman standing slightly behind the young man. _Now why would a young man come here looking for 'Ranko' and be accompanied by his… mother?_ He quickly glanced over the attractive redhead without staring too long at her features. _Could Genma have made yet another engagement for Ranma, this time as Ranko?_

"It is. I am her uncle, Soun Tendo. May I ask who you are and what your business is with her?"

The young man bowed. "Good evening, Mr. Tendo. My name is Kentaro Shibata and this is my mother Rumiko. Your niece fell and drowned in our pool last week. After we revived her, she insisted on leaving. We were concerned about her and just managed to track her down."

Soun smiled with relief and bowed deeply. "Please pardon me for my rudeness! Please come in and accept our thanks for your help."

He shook hands with the fine young ma… prospective son-in-law, and his mother. _Now that's a damn fine looking woman. I wonder if she's widowed or a divorcé? There's more than one way to make this boy my 'son'._

A thought struck him as he showed them into his home. _Now why does she look familiar?_

* * *

"Ah, Kasumi. These people saved Ranko's life when she had a swimming accident last week. Is she in the house? Or perhaps Ranma? 

"Ranma?" the woman asked brightly. "You wouldn't happen to be speaking about Ranma Saotome would you?"

Mention of Ranma's name clicked a switch in Kasumi's brain. She had been trying to puzzle out who the woman reminded her of.

"Yes, Shibata-san. Ranma Saotome is the fiancé of my youngest daughter Akane. Do you know of him?"

"Oh my! Shibata-san, are you Auntie Nodoka's sister?"

**--oO0Oo--**

**A/N:** That's a cameo by the lovelorn Tomoe and mention of one more SL character in this chapter. And the Shibatas make their reappearance. You really CAN crossover Ranma with anything! Or maybe it's 'Sexy Losers' that's so flexible? I'm toying with an idea where Makoto Kino finally reunites with her long-lost sempai… Shiunji Watanabe. :-)

**--oO0Oo--**


	5. Girls just wanna have fun

**Sexy Moms, Horny Losers**

(A Ranma ½ - Sexy Losers Crossover)

by avis de rapina

**--oO0Oo--**

**Chapter 5:**

"Speech"

_Thoughts_

'Titles / Quotes in speech or thoughts'

EMPHASIS

**Sound effects**

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Do I really have to re-disclaim that the source material for this crackfic doesn't belong to me? Just in case you didn't know; they don't. They're the property of Rumiko Takahashi and Clay (aka Hard). I do claim the idea of fusing them this way. If anyone wants them, they can have the typos. I gave them to my crazy Uncle Jiro but he passed them back.

* * *

**Summary:** As if things weren't bad enough… a sexually frustrated Kasumi refused to let Akane and Nabiki beat her claim to mastery of the 'Tendo tonsillary tickle technique' (French kissing). After seeing Kasumi demonstrating her skills on Ranma-chan, Nodoka left to celebrate all four Tendo 'girls' 'agreeing' to become Ranma's fiancées. Ranko's no girl, except when Nodoka's around, and just wants out. Akane's a 'sweet' girl and is looking for love. Nabiki and Kasumi? They're _girls_ alright. And… 

**_"Girls just wanna have fun."_**

* * *

Nodoka Saotome was a happy woman. A missed opportunity to reunite with her husband and manly son had turned into a joyful declaration by Akane, Nabiki, Kasumi AND Ranko Tendo that they were all willing to become co-wives and marry her Ranma. The giddy mother ran out waving victory fans and was halfway to the neighboring Itabashi-ku when she had a thought. She rushed to her house to fetch a special gift to bestow on her soon-to-be-daughters-in-law, and then quickly made her way back to the Tendo-ke. 

Feeling like she was now part of the family, she entered, stepped into a spare set of slippers, followed the sound of voices and called out, "Tadaima!" as she came to the living room.

"Nodoka."

"O-- Onee-san?" Nodoka froze, halfway through the door. Suddenly, Nodoka Saotome was no longer that happy. There before her; calmly sipping tea; was her older sister Rumiko. The same sister who all but had her thrown out of the Shibata clan a few years after Genma took Ranma on that blasted training trip.

"What are you doing here?" The 'Soul of Ice' had nothing on the frost in Nodoka's voice; hell, liquid Nitrogen was as warm as the Caribbean sun in comparison.

"I had come looking for Ranko-chan here," Rumiko indicated the youngest redhead seated opposite her; flanked by Akane and Nabiki. The frost in her voice was nearly as cold. "As I was telling Tendo-san and his daughters, Ranko-chan fell into our pool and nearly drowned last weekend. After Kenta and I revived her, she just ran off. Naturally we were worried about her.

"We had a hard time finding her too. The MEXT didn't have her listed as actually attending any school in Japan. Their only entry for her was as a member of the Furinkan high school's Rhythmic Gymnastics and Martial Arts Cooking teams. The directory only listed one Tendo family in Furinkan-cho. We took a chance that it was hers and came over. Imagine our surprise to learn that Ranko-chan was to be your Ranma's cousin-in-law."

Some of the frost in her voice was replaced with wistful reflection. "Akane-san seems to be a wonderful young lady, imouto. Perhaps I was too hasty in faulting you for letting your husband take Ranma-kun away from our clan for all these years. He must be sufficiently manly to attract as lovely a fiancée at such a young age."

"Oh, young Ranma is manlier than you may think, Shibata-san!" Soun interjected, always mindful of ensuring the success of the Tendo-Saotome pact. A pact that would remain unfulfilled if ever Nodoka… and perhaps her sister, judged Genma's son to be insufficiently 'manly'.

"Whatever do you mean, Tendo-san? And please, if we might become relations, call me Rumiko."

"I mean, Rumiko-san; and please call me Soun; that not only is Ranma manly enough to attract my Akane; he also has at least three other girls fighting to become his fiancée."

"Really? Oh my! Nodoka-chan, can you ever forgive me for my foolish words? Ranma-kun must truly be a man among men to have four girls clamoring for his hand in marriage."

Nodoka tasted sweet victory. After nearly eight years of being forced to live away from the only family she had left, she could be forgiven for savoring her vindication.

"I might, onee-san, actions speak louder than words, after all. But I must disabuse your misconception regarding Ranma's relation to Ranko-chan."

"Oh?" Rumiko inquired. _Kami, is Ranko-chan really Ranma-kun's half-sister? Did Genma leave Nodoka because he caught her having an affair? ...with Tendo-san? No. It can't be that. Even Genma wouldn't stomach letting his son marry the daughter of the man who cuckolded him… would he? And mother taught us enough to not get caught. And father DID make sure to engage us to men who couldn't keep up with our appetites enough to mind the help in keeping us satisfied._ "Whatever do you mean, Nodoka?"

"Yes, what do you mean, Nodoka-san?"

"I mean, Soun, Rumiko, that Ranko-chan is not going to be Ranma's cousin-in-law. She is going to be his wife!"

"What!"

Cue Tendo-Saotome Retirement Plan Automated Defense Mechanism, Pattern Alpha.

"The Schools must be joined!"

"They will be, Soun. I'm sure that Ranko-chan is just as good a martial artist as Akane-chan. Surely you will not deny your own niece training in your family's School?"

Cue Pattern Bravo.

"Ranma WILL marry my Akane!"

"I never said that he wouldn't."

"…"

"Ranko-chan and Akane-chan have both agreed to share Ranma as co-wives."

"…"

"Did I mention that Ranko-chan and Akane-chan are already in a relationship with each other?"

_Yes! I knew she had to swing that way. I wonder if No-chan started on her training yet. Maybe I could help?_

"Waah! My daughter is in a lesbian relationship with her fian… Wai! The Schools will finally be joined!"

"And that Nabiki-chan has decided to join the two of them as well?"

"Wai!?"

"Or that Kasumi-chan might likewise?"

"Wa-- Kasumi?!"

"Well why should I be left-out of the fun, Father? Ranma-kun certainly knows how to kiss…"

Torn between the need to congratulate his youngest for finally accepting her engagement (though he would have preferred she had waited until her wedding night); rejoice at his middle child's decision to finally break out of her self-imposed shell; attack the young Saotome for apparently corrupting his precious angel; and maintain said Saotome's secret from his katana-wielding mother and her family, Soun decided to cue the waterworks.

"Waah! Papa is sooo happy!!!!"

**--oO0Oo--**

What followed was a tearful reunion and reconciliation between the Shibata sisters. Nabiki provided pictures of Ranma-kun from her private, reserved collection that proved to Nodoka and Rumiko that, yes, the 'big' genes did run true in Ranma.

This brought the conversation to how unfulfilled they both were. Mr. Shibata was still out of town and Rumiko had nobody to play with. Nodoka had kept to the spirit of her marital vows and was now in her eleventh year of deprivation. Nabiki's last picture was unfortunately taken while Ranma was dreaming about Shampoo's latest attempt to glomp him in the furo, and his imagination was on overdrive. The excellent reminder of just what they didn't have at hand was just too much.

* * *

Ranma listened in horror as his mother and aunt drooled over Nabiki's pictures of his male form. Looking at the crazed gleam in their eyes, he realized that the only thing keeping him virgo intacta was the fact that neither woman knew the secret of his Jusenkyo curse. His eyes dropped to the picture that now had them panting and involuntarily let out an, "Eep!" 

Nodoka and Rumiko looked at her and smiled. Nodoka proudly held up the 8 x 10 glossy of a sleeping Ranma (sans boxers) and his morning wood.

"I'm sure that you've seen this before, Ranko-chan. Tell us, what's it like to take my manly son's manhood into yourself?"

Ranma-chan's eyes boggled.

"You have had intercourse with Ranma, haven't you?"

Ranma-chan vigorously shook her head.

"No? I was under the impression that you were already in a relationship with my son…"

"They, umm, were saving that up for marriage?" Akane offered, not liking Nodoka's sudden frown. "They HAVE been bathing and washing each other's privates for some time now," she hurriedly added, to Nodoka's delight.

"Really? That's so cute! But there's no need to be so shy about wanting some of this," she waved the picture.

"I want some of that…"

"Maybe later, Ru-chan. As his mother it's my responsibility to train him. Didn't you get to train Kenta-kun yourself?"

"Well, I was going to, but he got himself a girlfriend before I could properly start his training."

"Really? How was she?"

"Not enough stamina."

"Pity. But I don't think that will be a problem with Ranko-chan or Akane-chan; they're both martial artists. And Kasumi-chan and Nabiki-chan practice Tai chi and yoga. All of them should complete the training successfully."

"Training, Auntie?"

"Yes, Nabiki-chan. Training in the skills needed to please a manly man. It is a tradition in the Shibata clan that male and female offspring master the arts of pleasuring their partners. I was waiting for the right moment to give this to Akane or to one of the other girls. That time has now come to give this to all four of you."

She handed over a cloth-wrapped bundle and Akane unwrapped it.

"Floating with the Clouds and Summoning the Rain: The Guide to Harmony. By Tetsuyo Shibata, with illustrations by Nodoka 'Madame X' Saotome?" Akane read.

"Oh, No-chan, you finished updating great-great-grandfather's manual!" Rumiko exclaimed.

"It's a sex manual!?" Nabiki inquired.

"You're Madame X?" Kasumi squealed.

"What are we supposed to do with this!?" Ranma-chan demanded.

"Think of it as your summer reading assignment, my dears. By the time my son returns from his latest training trip, I'll make sure that all of you will know enough to make Ranma never want to leave you ever again. Then we can get started on making sure that he masters enough marital arts skills to satisfy all four of you every night!"

"A-- All four… every night?"

"Yes, Ranko-chan. As manly as my son must be, you and Akane-chan will need help to make sure to tire him out every night. If only I didn't need to sleep some time, I would never have let my guard down enough for Genma to sneak out of the house and take Ranma on that ten-year training trip! Learn from my experience, girls. Don't ever leave Ranma with enough energy to walk away, and keep him coming back for more! At least with the four of you, you'll never have to spend a lonely night with nobody to scratch your itches."

"Oh, Nodoka. I'm so sorry! All this time and I refused to help you out…"

"Ten and a half years, Rumiko. I've been keeping my vows to forsake all other men for Genma. It's been so hard. I sustained myself for a while with my artwork; but drawing men and women having sex became too much torture after years of enforced celibacy. Even illustrating yaoi art became too much for me. All those men… naked men… naked, hunky men… Men who would follow my directions… But I couldn't tell them to touch me, even if they were gay… because I'm married!

"I couldn't stand it any longer, Rumiko! You've got to help me find Genma. He may be smaller than Ranma but anything is better than fapping myself!"

Rumiko looked speculatively at Soun, who was still crying and dancing around the koi pond, and shuddered. She turned to Kasumi and barked, "I need a futon; some string; and a medium-sized daikon, washed and with the tip trimmed. And I need it STAT!"

"O-- Onee-chan?" Nodoka inquired in a hopeful whisper.

"Shhh, imouto-chan. I'll soon make everything better."

Sisterly bonds were renewed in the manner they used to share prior to (and just immediately after) their marriages. The Shibata females retired to the upstairs guest room. Fortunately, Nodoka knew just where Kasumi kept her 'toys'.

* * *

Kenta missed being dragged along to help his mother and aunt relieve their frustrations by virtue of being drafted by Ranko to take care of Mr. Panda. Eager to do anything to get on her good side, he agreed to help drag the catatonic bear back to the furoba and to keep it submerged in ice. He thus missed out on the entire conversation. 

After the four attractive Tendo girls barged into the furo and sent him into the dining room he learned from a weepy Mr. Tendo that all four of the babes were engaged to his cousin Ranma. He too started to cry at the injustice of it all.

He had just lost his chance at survivor sex with the hot redhead. The news that she was already in a lesbian relationship with at least one of her likewise hot cousins almost made him shed tears as prodigiously as their father. The loud noises that started to come from the second floor caught his attention and made him steel his resolve.

"…Ooooh, Yes! Yes! Yes! Right there! Faster! Oh, kami, Ru-chan, deeper!"

"…Is this what you like? Less talking and more sucking, No-chan! I'm almost… there…!"

**THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!**

_It might be too late to get Ranko for myself. But I swear to keep Ranko and her cousins unspoiled by Mom's depredations. My mistake was in not screwing Natsuki when I still had a chance before Mom got to her. I'll have to make sure that cousin Ranma at least gets a chance with the Tendos before Mom and Aunt Nodoka do to them what Mom did to poor Natsuki. As the kami are my witness, the Tendos will not die a yuri death!_

**--oO0Oo--**

Back in the furoba, a wayward husband was undergoing the third degree.

**Pssshhh!** "Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot! Are you mad, boy? What if your mother or her sister discovers our secret?"

"Shut it, Pops! You've got a lot of explaining to do!"

"A-- About what… son?" Genma inquired in a pathetic attempt to appear innocent.

"About THIS!" Ranma-chan hissed as she thrust Nodoka's 'gift' before his face.

"Kami… It's too late… It has already begun."

"What?! What's begun? Tell me what's goin' on, Pops!"

"Why, Ranma? Why didn't you marry Akane while you had the chance?

"…"

"What are you talking about, Uncle Genma?"

"If only you and Ranma had gotten married before Nodoka caught up with us, Akane, then we wouldn't have to worry about THIS!" He pointed shakily at the manual.

"What's wrong with this?" Akane asked as Kasumi started to leaf through the book.

"You're not making any sense, Mr. Saotome."

"That's par fer the course, Nabiki. Whenever some problem comes up he always passes the blame to me."

"You don't understand, boy. You ARE to blame. If only you and Akane had gotten married before your mother arrived, then we wouldn't be in this mess!"

"I suggest that you explain yourself in more detail, Mr. Saotome… before my sister takes offense at that last comment," Nabiki drawled as she pointed to a vein-crossed Akane. "Now, why did you want Ranma married to Akane so soon?"

Genma sighed. "We came back from our training trip some six months before Nodoka expected us. I had always planned for Ranma to be long married to one of you three girls before he reunited with his mother. I figured that after being engaged for a month or two, Ranma would already be married. By hiding out here, I hoped to get an extra few months for a baby to be on the way before letting Nodoka know the good news. With Ranma proving his manliness by providing an heir, and his wife in the family way... I hoped that Nodoka would never have to resort to training them in her clan's Marital Arts techniques!"

"And that would be bad because…?" Nabiki drew out.

"Trust me; you're better off never knowing."

"A bit too late for that, I'm afraid. Auntie Nodoka wants all four of us to read this for the summer. So you'll have to tell us just what to expect from this 'training'."

"All of you?"

Nabiki nodded.

"Ka-- Kasumi too?"

Nod, nod.

"Soun's going to kill me."

"Maybe not. Right now he believes that Akane and Ranma are in a bisexual relationship, and that Kasumi and I will be joining them. He's crying for happiness in the garden."

"Once Nodoka gets through with you three, he'll definitely want to kill me."

"If you don't start makin' sense, I'll help him!"

"Oh, what an ungrateful so…" **Crack!** "Eep!" Genma stared at the glowing mallet imbedded in the tile floor between his splayed thighs.

"Start. Talking!" Akane ground out.

"Wha-- What do you want to know?"

"What's wrong with Momma? Why DID you take me on that training trip? Let's start with those for now."

"Your mother is a wonderful woman, son. The secret to a happy marriage is to always praise your spouse and to do your damned best to keep her happy. The second happiest day of my life was when she said that she'll marry me."

"Awww… How sweet," Kasumi sighed. "I just bet that the happiest day was when Ranma-kun was born."

"Hell no! That was only fourth happiest day of my life; just after the day your father I thought that we had gotten rid of The Master for good. The happiest day of my life was when I finally escaped from her to take Ranma on that trip."

"If you had such a happy marriage, Mr. Saotome, then why did you ever leave?"

"Yeah, what she said. Why were you so happy to leave Momma?"

"Like I said, boy. Your mother is a wonderful woman. When I met her she was young, beautiful, rich, submissive, virginal, an excellent cook… Kind of like Kasumi here, only with lots more money than Nabiki can count. Imagine my delight when I discovered that she was also a nymphomaniac!"

"So what was your problem, Mr. Saotome?" _Very like Kasumi indeed._

"None at first. After the first year though it became too much. Nodoka started to get into role-playing to 'spice up the romance'. We'd go at it two… three times a day, every day! She said it was to make sure that I got her pregnant. When I discovered her secret stash of birth control pills I cried.

"I confronted her on her duplicity and demanded that she stop taking them. I said that I needed an heir for the Sotome School. She agreed and Ranma was conceived one month later. I tried to get her to take it easy then, but there was no stopping her! If anything, being pregnant only made her more insatiable. I thought that she'd finally stop when her water broke, but she insisted I get her off."

"You were doin' Momma while she went into labor?!"

"Orally, boy, orally! That was a taste that I'll never forget, let me tell you!"

"Ewww," Kasumi winced. "Too much information, Uncle Saotome!"

"Giving birth to the boy here, finally did her in… for all of two weeks! I was so happy to get a chance to rest; I think I kissed the doctor when he told her to refrain for at least that long. That is a debt that I've tried to pay you back for, Ranma."

"What? How could anything you've ever done to me be imagined as payback for that?"

"Everything I ever did from that point on was to make you a manly man and the best martial artist of your generation! As soon as you were weaned I took you on your first training trip to accustom you to hunger and privation. All these years of training I've made sure to develop your skill, strength, speed and endurance. The things you will need as a top martial artist, or - kami forbid – as a trainee in your mother's marital arts techniques."

"So all this time you've been stealing my food; throwing me out windows; attackin' me in my sleep; siccin' dogs, wolves and bears on me; throwin' me inta pits full of ca-- ca-- mouse catchers; and engagin' me left and right to toughen me up for Momma's training?"

Genma nodded sagely. "If it was good enough for the Spartans…"

**Smash!** Ranma-chan manifested a chi-mallet and implanted it on her father's head. "I'm NOT buyin' it!"

* * *

Nabiki poured more hot water on Genma to revive the senior Saotome. 

"Wakey, wakey, Mr. S. You still have to explain why you left Auntie on her own for ten years during that training trip. Why didn't you visit her in all that time?"

"What part of nympho-MANIAC do you not understand? If I had known then what I know now about the Shibata clan, I would never have even gone on an omiai with Nodoka!"

"Now let me get this straight. You left my mother for ten years because you felt that you were unable to satisfy her constant demands for sex?"

"It wasn't like that at all! I just had to go on a sabbatical to get my strength back. I figured that ten years ought to do it." _Mustn't let them know that I was hoping for twelve. By the time Nodoka would have found us, their firstborn would have been ready for another training trip!_ "I lost six pounds on our honeymoon alone! Once she weaned you and got her appetites back, I almost died when she decided to try for a daughter!"

"What do you mean Uncle Genma?"

"You think that Ranma's a pervert Akane? You don't know the meaning of the word 'pervert'! The Shibatas are capable of perversions beyond your wildest dreams. Nodoka was already recognized for her skill at illustrating hentai manga when I first met her. I was honored when she first asked me to pose for her. She always drew from life…"

"Oh, so that's what you looked like with long hair, Uncle Saotome," Kasumi happily warbled from where she was holding up the manual opened to a color plate of Genma and Nodoka **_in flagrante delecto_**.

"My eyes! Somebody please pluck out my eyes!"

"Oh, Ranma. You're so silly!"

"That's the tame stuff, boy! The really nasty stuff is way at the back. We left for the trip before your mother could get around to asking me to pose for THOSE drawings."

"What do you mean, Mr. Saotome?"

"Nodoka had lots of models that she called on for her work; but since that manual was full of her clan's secrets she only had family members model the different techniques in it. I found that out when she asked me to man the camera for her sessions with Rumiko to demonstrate the yuri ones."

"Her own sister?"

"You are one to talk, Akane. From what I heard you and Nabiki just agreed to help each other out with Ranma and 'Ranko'."

Akane blushed.

"Anyway, yes, her own sister. The Shibatas even had a sort of motto as an in-joke… 'Incest is best. Put your kinfolk to the test.' With their techniques it's probably even true. Nobody could ever be as good at sex as their clan."

"If that's true then why DID you leave?"

"Nodoka's father only had sisters, and their husbands died young. Their sons weren't even in their teens. The only males of age in the family were Nodoka's father, Rumiko's husband and myself…"

"You mean…?"

"Yes, Nabiki. I left before my wife could ask me to pose for the yaoi section."

**--oO0Oo--**

**a la Innortal's 'La Blue Ranma' Omake:**

"Now let me get this straight. You left my mother for ten years because you felt that you were unable to satisfy her constant demands for sex?"

"It wasn't like that at all! I just had to go on a sabbatical to get my strength back. I lost six pounds on our honeymoon alone! Once she weaned you and got her appetites back, I almost died when she decided to try for a daughter!" _I knew I should have courted Rumiko instead! She always was the less voracious one._

"But if she was that demanding why did she let you go, Uncle Genma?" Akane asked.

"She had the seppuku pledge."

"What I can't understand about _that_ is why you would teach Ranma nothing about sex and even give him such a poor opinion about girls if he faced seppuku for not being as manly as Auntie Nodoka wants," Kasumi put forward.

"What I'd like to know is what did you expect her to do for ten years with that kind of condition!" Nabiki commented.

"All Ranma has to do is breathe and he'd be 'manly' enough for Nodoka. It's 'Ranko' that I don't want her to learn about."

"…"

**(Sigh)** "If Nodoka were to discover that 'Ranko' is actually Ranma, she would insist on teaching 'her' all of her clan's ninja techniques."

"What's so bad about that, Pops? I always wanna learn new…"

"Ninja SEXCRAFT techniques, boy! The techniques the females of her clan use to seduce and hunt down shikima with!"

"…"

"Believe me, it's a good thing that she uses them too. It was the only way I could ever get a night's rest while we were staying at her house. I figured ten years of hunting sex demons would satisfy even her lusts… So I undercalculated."

"H-- How could you leave Momma alone for ten years while she went out to seduce sex demons!"

"Whaaat? It's not like she's sleeping around with other _men_!"

"…"

"Besides, think of it as a public service! You should be proud of your mother, boy!"

**--oO0Oo--**

**A/N:** Well another chapter done. My thanks again to the people at TFF whose comments and suggestions on this and other people's stories helped inspire me. This is it for my take on Genma as a noble father. Other writers, notably Lord Raa, are working on their versions of that idea.

The omake was inspired by Innortal's story and was used as an example for another potential direction to take this story.

Having Nodoka as Madame X is a stretch that I think will work in this fusion. As the story summary sez, Nodoka's character in fanon inspired me to fuse her into the Sexy Losers world. Being serious about keeping her marriage vow to forsake all other men is one reason I can imagine for why she kept stringing poor Touru along. Note that I said 'other _men_'. SL fans know that Madame X did have a thing of sorts with her roommate Chi Sakamichi.

And, yes, that's as far as the yuri scenes will go in this fic.

**--oO0Oo--**


End file.
